Satire trigger warning: This text may offend some most people.
We’ve had a rough two years, so it’s all the more important that we remind ourselves how we can still feel really good about ourselves in these Covid times. Below some suggestions:
- Avoid leaving your home unless absolutely necessary. There are few excuses these days, thanks to the internet. The only good reason to leave your home is to get jabbed.
- When you’re waiting for a lift, and the door opens and there’s already someone in there, wag your index finger at the person to indicate you wouldn’t go in there if your life depended on it.
- If you are the person who’s already in the lift, make sure you stand right by the door to indicate to anyone else who wants to enter the lift that you’re not happy to have company. If they rudely insist on entering the lift with you anyway, and you don’t feel confident to tell them to bugger off, then jump backward and stand in a corner as far away from the intruder as possible, facing away from them, grumble and put on an extra mask or two. That way you protect yourself maximally, and you provide that so-called person a much-needed lesson in social etiquette.
- Make a big detour around people you pass on the footpath – better safe than sorry. Remember, everyone’s an enemy, and you want to make sure that the others know that you know that. And as you’re approaching, make sure to demonstratively mount a mask, or two, or three.
- Wear three masks, not just one or two. Consider adding a visor too. Wearing any kind of glasses is also advisable. And gloves, of course. At this stage putting a plastic bag over your head is not recommended, even if it is see-through. Peer-reviewed scientific studies have shown that this may cause death.
- Remember to always follow the science. If you’re not sure what the science is, just listen to the government, or the media will happily repeat the government’s message too, so you can always rely on them.
- Make sure you scan every QR code you encounter. I’ve heard it’s going to become an Olympic sport at the next Games. Practice makes perfect.
- Show the virus just how much you hate it by even wearing a mask when you’re in a car by yourself, or in the office by yourself, or at home by yourself, or in nature, or in the desert.
- If you must mix with the great unwashed and use public transport, don’t touch anything, don’t sit next to anyone, don’t look at anyone.
- If you need to press any buttons, do so with your clothed elbow or your knee (if you’re wearing long pants or knee protectors), or a long object. Afterwards, wipe said touchpoints vigorously with a disinfectant wipe for several minutes.
- If you see an elderly person fall over, refrain from assisting. They might have Covid or you might give it to them and then you’re to blame and you don’t want either. The best thing to do in such situations is to call 000 right away and leave the scene as you don’t want to start forming a crowd.
- The new national sport is car queuing in front of a Covid testing centre. Honk loudly if anyone tries to push in. Honk if you think you have to wait too long. Honking will delight those living along the route the queue takes, often covering many kilometres. Honking is good for the soul.
- Whinge about never-ending Covid in Zoom conferences. Make sure to cover the latest cases, cases, and more cases. You should also ask everyone about their vaccination status and show off your own. Don’t forget to highlight how you’re following all the rules and so many others just don’t. You will feel 100 times better afterwards for sure.
- Laugh heartily with others (via phone or Zoom, of course) about blatantly contradictory and non-sensical Covid rules – and then follow them dutifully anyway. This makes you an undisputed Covid hero.
- Ride every possible panic wave and hoard like there’s literally no tomorrow. That way you know you’re part of the in-crowd. There is no fuzzier feeling than knowing that we’re all in this together!
- Sanitise your hands at least 20 times a day. The more times the better really. Dispensers are liberally distributed throughout the country, so there are no excuses.
- When you’re sanitising your hands, make sure everybody sees you do it. Plant yourself in front of the dispenser, wave your arms wildly for about 10 seconds, squirt several portions of sanitiser on your hands, and then hold out your arms out in front of you wringing your hands together, gleefully smiling (under several layers of masks of course).
- If you must meet someone in person, make greeting them as awkward as possible. Above all, resist the temptation to accept a handshake, should anyone attempt such a medieval act.
- Make up a new greeting. How about the “bum bump”?
- Give a “friend” or “relative” who is critical of the government’s measures a tin-foil hat as a Christmas or birthday present.
- Hate an anti-vaxxer. Add an extra x for exxxtra effect, and add a couple of extra expletives, so, for example: Bloody rotten lousy selfish disgusting idiotic irresponsible anti-vaxxxer
- Never ever miss a news update from your favourite mainstream news channel. It’s your patriotic duty to watch these. By now you should have alerts set up, so you can’t possibly miss any updates from your beloved state or federal leader or Chief Medical Officer. Whenever they appear on TV, make sure you’re kneeling.
- Send a loved one who is on their death bed a heart-felt message explaining that you would have come but you’re scared of killing them with Covid – that will surely make their passing a much more pleasant experience – and you’ve done all you can and don’t have to feel guilty.
- Dob in a neighbour, friend, colleague, or even a stranger for not adhering to some government health directive, for example: not wearing a mask, not keeping their distance, having a gathering with too many people. There’s plenty to choose from. Remember, this will be good practice for when, a few years from now, you will receive social credit points for such good deeds.
- In the meantime, you can sign up for your very own Covid Rewards Card and take up a free Covid Vaccine Subscription.
